I came to the woods to sit, and to think. My thoughts swirling around in my head like a martini, being shaken, not stirred.
My father is dying.
To be fair, he's been dying for a couple of years now, but it's the middle of the end. Not the beginning, not the end, but the never ending middle.
Things you know about death and dying are no longer theoretical when you are in this position, and no one can tell you what it's like until you get there.
Like how you're walking through a fog, but you're constantly aware. You don't register much, but then again, you register everything.
Like how you truly can compartmentalize. You can go to work, laugh, go for drinks, go out of town, live in the moment, and all of that, but it's ever so exhausting.
Like how you think you have it all under control, even if you carry all of your stress in your neck. (You just need a new pillow, right?) But one mis-worded text that is inconsequential can send you to the bathroom at work, sobbing. Then you have to tell your co-workers what's wrong, and you get their sorrow and sympathy- and that's the last thing you want. And now you're just embarrassed for over-reacting.
Like how you find out they're moving your dad to rehab, and your mom is over the moon excited. But all you can think is, still? The ups and downs, the ebbs and flows. Those are what both sustain and kill you at the same time.
No one can prepare you for how exhausting it all is. Because it goes on for so long, all of it just creeps up on you, and then it falls back into the shadows. But you know it's there, waiting to jump yet again. Over and over, in and out, back and forth. Constantly.
You still forge ahead, because life carries on. And you've got work to do.
Wow.... that is tough. Watching our authors and originators slip slowly from our lives.
ReplyDeleteMy dad is the same. Terminal condition, time limited.
I told someone that I "served" all over the world, but now my job is to serve by honoring my father and mother. They need me. I've vowed that no request for help will make them feel like they are being an imposition. They need my help,and will have it.
Wisdom and prayers for you as you take steps to honor your dad, from a distance, which is even more complicated
Andy
When the phone rings, I answer. Regardless. I know, from a distance I am only a sounding board, but if that's all I can be, then that is enough. It's such a weird position to be in- not the beginning, not the end, just this never ending middle. I am praying for you and for your family, Andy. Thank you so much for your friendship and encouragement!
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